The mind of a compulsive social networker

Divya joined work two weeks back. She was tall, beautiful, had deep eyes, long hair and a lovely complexion. She seemed to be intelligent too (not to suggest that most women are not). I saw her everyday in the morning as she used to cross my cubicle to get to her workplace. This was it, I thought. After years of being caligynephobic, which simply means being scared of beautiful women, I decided that this is the girl I wanted to share my life with. And why couldn’t I? I am one of the most talented, sophisticated and handsome young men around and definitely one of the most humble too. I met her everyday in person at the lunch table. But I waited for her to come for a chat so that I could have long and deep conversations. Chat at my favourite hang out- Face book. I also knew I would win her heart with my sweet 140 character tweets on twitter. 

But last night while spying on her face book profile I saw her new pictures. These pictures were with an ugly, fat, dumb looking man whom she was hugging as if that was his last wish before death. 

Then I checked her relationship status and it said ‘Committed’.

The story ended before it had begun.

I am sure each one of ours life is playing out on the social networking sites.

We are all obsessed with our lovely profiles on facebook, orkut and twitter. Isn’t it? And if you aren’t; then you have a lot of catching up to do. 

You know when you are a real social networker when:

1. Your definition of a friend is ‘the picture which shows on the left hand side of your computer screen when you are on face book’.

2. Your self esteem depends on how many friends you have on face book. You will not be happy unless you reach the count of 575.

3. You take pride in ‘following’ people. On twitter.

4. You think it is perfectly fine to wish your best friend happy birthday on one of these sites while he actually stays only a couple of blocks away from you.

5. You spend hours photoshoping your profile picture thinking this is all you need to get a girlfriend.

Everything about this world is great except the irritating eternal question these sites pose every time you visit them. 

The screen yells out at you when you log in to facebook or twitter: 

Sachin- what are you doing?

The answer to that question more often than not from me is ‘Nothing. I AM DOING NOTHING. Am I needed to do something all the time? Can’t I just be a good-for-nothing idle 26 year old?’

But I can’t write that. Can I? How can I let the world know that I have nothing to do? Not updating the status is not an option. I mean there are 2500 people out there who want to know what I am doing or thinking.

So, I come up with some really interesting and intelligent thoughts for my status updates.

Sachin is thinking about the Iguatzu falls in Brazil 

or

Sachin is planning to buy the book ‘The difficulty of being good’ by Gurcharan Das. The Mahabharata has always fascinated Sachin.

These updates might make you feel ‘wow, what a smart guy!’ Which I am, I completely agree. Thank You!

But the origin of the first update is not my interest in the natural beauty of Brazil. Actually I stumbled upon Iguatzu falls while looking for pictures of another Brazilian beauty -Gisele Bundchen.

Nor does the other update have anything to do with my interest in books or the Mahabharata. I had once picked up a copy of ‘Mid-Day’ on way back home from office. The only reason I bought it was to have a look at the- you know what - ‘Mid-Day Mate’. While I was reaching that page, I happened to glance at the book review of this latest title by Gurcharan Das.

But not everyone is as intelligent as I am. The status updates can be used to unintentional hilarious effect by some people. One of my friends’ updates read something like these- 

- Narayan just got out of bed

- Narayan is brushing his teeth

- Narayan has lots of work in office

- Narayan is on his way back home

- Narayan is watching ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’

- Narayan is off to sleep

Someone needs to tell this man that he yawning, scratching himself or snoozing are not issues of national importance. He needs to be a little more creative with his updates.

But all is not good and fun on Social Networking sites.

My boss, who also happens to be on my Face Book, failed to notice the fun when I uploaded a picture album titled ‘Me and my friends drunk at Zenzi’. Till the day before he thought I was a brilliant young man leading a moral & disciplined lifestyle. I don’t know why he has a different opinion now.

But does that mean you stop drinking? No, it only means you don’t let your bosses into your Social Networking accounts. 

Before I go, let me offer you a few tips to lead a great life.

1.      Do not take your real life too seriously. Who clicks on it anyway?

2.     You might be very formal, shy in real life. But whenever you greet people on the internet you need to have dramatic conversations – Start off with a loudly written ‘Wasssssuppppp?’

3.      Go out of your way to make friends. Don’t wait for friend requests, send as many as you can. Even to random people.

4.      Only care about how your face looks. The rest of your body does not matter. Your profile picture is only about your face.

5.      Don’t spend energy on trivial pursuits such as following celebrities or being a voyeur. It is a complete waste of time.

Hold on a bit, I’ve got a twitter update. Wow, Mallika Sherawat has uploaded her latest pictures in bikini from Miami.

Thank god for twitter!