The mind of a compulsive social networker

Divya joined work two weeks back. She was tall, beautiful, had deep eyes, long hair and a lovely complexion. She seemed to be intelligent too (not to suggest that most women are not). I saw her everyday in the morning as she used to cross my cubicle to get to her workplace. This was it, I thought. After years of being caligynephobic, which simply means being scared of beautiful women, I decided that this is the girl I wanted to share my life with. And why couldn’t I? I am one of the most talented, sophisticated and handsome young men around and definitely one of the most humble too. I met her everyday in person at the lunch table. But I waited for her to come for a chat so that I could have long and deep conversations. Chat at my favourite hang out- Face book. I also knew I would win her heart with my sweet 140 character tweets on twitter. 

But last night while spying on her face book profile I saw her new pictures. These pictures were with an ugly, fat, dumb looking man whom she was hugging as if that was his last wish before death. 

Then I checked her relationship status and it said ‘Committed’.

The story ended before it had begun.

I am sure each one of ours life is playing out on the social networking sites.

We are all obsessed with our lovely profiles on facebook, orkut and twitter. Isn’t it? And if you aren’t; then you have a lot of catching up to do. 

You know when you are a real social networker when:

1. Your definition of a friend is ‘the picture which shows on the left hand side of your computer screen when you are on face book’.

2. Your self esteem depends on how many friends you have on face book. You will not be happy unless you reach the count of 575.

3. You take pride in ‘following’ people. On twitter.

4. You think it is perfectly fine to wish your best friend happy birthday on one of these sites while he actually stays only a couple of blocks away from you.

5. You spend hours photoshoping your profile picture thinking this is all you need to get a girlfriend.

Everything about this world is great except the irritating eternal question these sites pose every time you visit them. 

The screen yells out at you when you log in to facebook or twitter: 

Sachin- what are you doing?

The answer to that question more often than not from me is ‘Nothing. I AM DOING NOTHING. Am I needed to do something all the time? Can’t I just be a good-for-nothing idle 26 year old?’

But I can’t write that. Can I? How can I let the world know that I have nothing to do? Not updating the status is not an option. I mean there are 2500 people out there who want to know what I am doing or thinking.

So, I come up with some really interesting and intelligent thoughts for my status updates.

Sachin is thinking about the Iguatzu falls in Brazil 

or

Sachin is planning to buy the book ‘The difficulty of being good’ by Gurcharan Das. The Mahabharata has always fascinated Sachin.

These updates might make you feel ‘wow, what a smart guy!’ Which I am, I completely agree. Thank You!

But the origin of the first update is not my interest in the natural beauty of Brazil. Actually I stumbled upon Iguatzu falls while looking for pictures of another Brazilian beauty -Gisele Bundchen.

Nor does the other update have anything to do with my interest in books or the Mahabharata. I had once picked up a copy of ‘Mid-Day’ on way back home from office. The only reason I bought it was to have a look at the- you know what - ‘Mid-Day Mate’. While I was reaching that page, I happened to glance at the book review of this latest title by Gurcharan Das.

But not everyone is as intelligent as I am. The status updates can be used to unintentional hilarious effect by some people. One of my friends’ updates read something like these- 

- Narayan just got out of bed

- Narayan is brushing his teeth

- Narayan has lots of work in office

- Narayan is on his way back home

- Narayan is watching ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’

- Narayan is off to sleep

Someone needs to tell this man that he yawning, scratching himself or snoozing are not issues of national importance. He needs to be a little more creative with his updates.

But all is not good and fun on Social Networking sites.

My boss, who also happens to be on my Face Book, failed to notice the fun when I uploaded a picture album titled ‘Me and my friends drunk at Zenzi’. Till the day before he thought I was a brilliant young man leading a moral & disciplined lifestyle. I don’t know why he has a different opinion now.

But does that mean you stop drinking? No, it only means you don’t let your bosses into your Social Networking accounts. 

Before I go, let me offer you a few tips to lead a great life.

1.      Do not take your real life too seriously. Who clicks on it anyway?

2.     You might be very formal, shy in real life. But whenever you greet people on the internet you need to have dramatic conversations – Start off with a loudly written ‘Wasssssuppppp?’

3.      Go out of your way to make friends. Don’t wait for friend requests, send as many as you can. Even to random people.

4.      Only care about how your face looks. The rest of your body does not matter. Your profile picture is only about your face.

5.      Don’t spend energy on trivial pursuits such as following celebrities or being a voyeur. It is a complete waste of time.

Hold on a bit, I’ve got a twitter update. Wow, Mallika Sherawat has uploaded her latest pictures in bikini from Miami.

Thank god for twitter!

Beer we go again!!!

Don’t we love Friday evenings? I do. It marks the beginning of two carefree days in the week. No bosses, no clients nor gloomy faced colleagues to put up with for a complete 48 hours. The advent of such a beautiful time needs to be celebrated; isn’t it? I celebrate and I do that with full gusto. Every Friday evening I find my way to the cheap, local bar near my house where the focus remains on the right thing- ALCOHOL.

It was at this session last week that I pondered for a while and refused to consume my favourite beverage - Beer. As soon as I ordered for some Indian wine, I heard someone yelling at the top of his voice, ‘Hey, don’t treat me like that man?’

My reasons for refusing to have beer that evening were many.

I was no longer a college kid blessed with stupendous metabolism to digest every drop of the golden liquid. I was developing what is infamously known as the ‘Beer Belly’. It somehow just does not go well with my otherwise chiseled features and greek-god like looks.

I had recently read that beer contains powerful stimulants which may cause heartburn. And that was not all; it seems high beer intake also increases blood pressure. So, it was the most obvious thing for me to do, to switch to some other form of alcohol. I chose wine, to be honest, because I thought it is fashionable and I aspired to pass myself off as a connoisseur of everything French like my boss and clients. Even I wanted to know my Bordeauxs from my burgundies.

But this loud voice caught my attention. ‘Who was it?’ I looked around but couldn’t catch anyone in the bar screaming nor did anyone seem perturbed by the high pitch of it.

‘How can you treat me like this after doing so many things together for all these years?’ The voice definitely seemed distressed. But I could not locate the origin of these words.

‘Look here at the bar, you fool.’

I did and all I could see was bottles of many liquor brands and a bottle of ‘Kingfisher Mild Beer’, my favourite for its lovely taste and great price.

‘Yes Sach, it’s me- Beer’.

I was shell-shocked.

Beer was talking to me??? Had the copious amounts of alcohol I had been consuming finally damaged my brain???

But the voice nevertheless continued and I listened in rapt attention.

‘It’s convenient, isn’t it? To forget old friends who have stood by you through good times and the bad. Have you forgotten the day you and your best friend bunked college to enter the bar near VT station to order your first beer? I still remember your innocent face, having a swig off of me not sure how to react to this newfound pleasure. Both you boys stayed there for three hours talking about everything you possibly could.

We’ve been friends ever since.

Our friendship continued in Bangalore where you went to college. You along with your group of five friends visited the many pubs in the city. I don’t know why you kids enjoyed the loud music they used to play there.

Do you recollect that all you friends put together barely used to have enough money to pay for a pitcher of beer?

And you guys used to add cheap rum to the pitcher while the waiter was away to make the pitcher run for a longer time.

But I never complained, even when you mixed the lowly rum with me.

Also, it was in these years that you went out on dates. Remember?

I clearly recollect the cute girl you used to go out with pretty often. And I knew that you were just not able to gather the guts to flirt with her or to convey your feelings. It was only when you ordered for a pint that I entered your body, went to your brain and opened you up. Boy did you speak after that! Both of you started seeing each other soon afterwards and were together till you graduated from college.

SO, wouldn’t you give me credit for your first ‘real’ relationship?

And it’s not only the good times that we shared. I saw you when you were off to New Delhi for your first job. It wasn’t as good as you had expected it to be. You were lonely and longed to get back to Mumbai. You and I drowned your sorrows and hoped for better times at the balcony of you flat in New Delhi.

Times have changed since then. You are now doing well. But don’t forget, it was me who gave you your best friends, your first girl friend, great memories and support during lonely times. And this is how you treat me? You ignore me for a fancy red thing called wine who has no love for you whatsoever? Only because now you feel having that thing is cool and it will make you look smart.

Is that how you repay your old friends???

Anyway, I will let you decide whether you need an old friend or a fancy new poser. It was great being part of your life though and I will always remember you fondly. Bye.’

The voice went out and it was complete silence. It seemed the bar full of people had gone completely quiet.

I thought hard. It was true; my old friend beer was the reason for countless beautiful memories which I will cherish for the rest of my life. I had grown from being a boy to a man with my friend’s help. I enjoyed long, intellectual conversations with other friends in his company. Yes, I took his help whenever I was tongue-tied around an attractive girl.

How could I think of deserting him?

I screamed, ‘WAITER!’

‘Cancel my order for wine and get me a bottle of chilled Kingfisher Mild Beer. ‘

‘On second thoughts, make that two.’