Confessions of a gamophobic young man

I woke up at 6.30am today. It is a a Sunday morning. I watered the plants and then washed our clothes in the washing machine. By now it was time to take a trip to the market to pick up veggies and chicken on the way back. After finishing this early morning shopping it was time to cook breakfast- strong, black coffee and fried egg with sunny side up for her highness.

WAIT!!!!! I opened my eyes!!!! It was a nightmare and I was married. Or rather it was a nightmare because I was married in it.

Welcome to the confessions of a young man who suffers from gamophobia. Fancy word, isn’t it? It simply means fear of marriage. Today I will build a case against the institution I am not ready for- Marriage.

I come back late every Saturday night after a beer binging session with my male friends. We have a lot of mind broadening conversations at these weekly meetings. We talk about women, women and women!!! We discuss women in general and their physical attributes to be specific. And let me be honest, that’s all we talk about. But what the heck, I’ve realized that talking about women is a joy but talking to them is probably not. You know why? Because most women don’t understand that for a dialogue it takes two people to talk and not one. Having a long conversation with a girl is like a trip to the mall where you get to see everything from clothes to beauty products to groceries and none of them interest you at all.

Now coming back to my life, Sundays are a complete bliss. I wake up only when I can’t stay any longer in bed. Tell me who in their right mind would want to give up on this beautiful life. Would anyone want to become a slave out of his own choice? That’s beyond me. Now, call me gamophobic or anything you like. But I know I am not the only one who is scared of marriage. Almost all men are and if you are not then obviously you are a woman.

Everything in life is perfect- you go to school, then to college and then start working. But suddenly you start to realise that friend after friend is disappearing from your all male parties. And you all know where they are, their wives have domesticated them and replaced the ‘kaamwali bai’ with this ‘kaamwala bhai’.

But there is no escaping marriage; it seems as if any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty five is a menace to the society and the world at large. Ask me, I am on the verge of turning 27 which according to me is no age to commit suicide or to marry. Both of them actually mean the same thing. Don’t they? Or wait on second thoughts suicide might be a better option; at least you don’t die every day of your life.

Once you reach the marriageable age things will never be the same again. My mom devotes an hour every Saturday and Sunday to talk to me about the need to marry at the right age and to stop leading this carefree, irresponsible life. She tells me I need to find the ‘right girl’ and she will help me if can’t do it myself.

I always respond by saying ‘ma, I’ve met many girls in my life and I’ve found out that there is no such thing as a “right girl”. ‘Girl’ and ‘right’ are two words you cannot use in the same sentence.’

Sometimes I wonder why people close to me wish the demise of my freedom. All they want is to see me getting married. I think I have an explanation. It is a mass revenge that everyone married wants to take on every one who hasn’t tied the knot yet. Obviously, for them it seems unfair that bachelors like me live this fun-filled life while they suffer every day of their lives.

I am so scared that this phobia has taken over my entire life. Not very long ago if a girl used to ogle or stare at me (which happens very often given my drop down good looks) I used to look back and then would try and make conversation. But now my reaction is a completely different. Every time a girl looks at me, I get scared. The first question in my mind is ‘What if she wants to marry me?’ and what I see is not an attractive woman then but a devil in disguise who is out to make a servant out of me. All I can see is Sachin washing dishes, washing clothes, shopping for things he never knew existed. And then I decide to fend off the temptation. I plan to wait for a woman who is not on the hunt for a man whom she will keep for herself through the rest of her life.

My phobia is not irrational. I have evidence to suggest that marriage is the biggest mistake a man can ever make. Consider my friend Amit for instance not Amit Kumar. He was a happy young man who used to laugh a lot until he got married. Laughter disappeared from his life after this event. He was a carefree guy who used to love going out every night with friends. He still does go out every night……….to throw the garbage or to walk the dog.

If that’s not conclusive consider this, Leonardo Da Vinci once said, “Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel."

And if you feel that I am providing a biased conclusion by taking men’s views, listen to this: Rita Rudner, an American comedienne said, “Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings."

Imagine that; having your life controlled by someone else every moment.

Someone rightly said, “Bachelors know more about women than married men do. Otherwise they would be married too.”

So, all my single brothers, use your intelligence and don’t fall for those beautiful eyes, silky voice, the care and the attention. You will look at your wedding picture five years down the line and wonder ‘why the hell was I smiling?’

Bachelorhood is the way to go!!!